- Eli Milliman became a stay-at-home dad when his wife started a full-time job and excelled at it.
- The couple has faced criticism from their conservative community for changing their traditional roles.
- Their open-minded approach has strengthened their family ties and allowed for personal growth.
This essay I’m told is based on a conversation with Eli Milliman, a 46-year-old stay-at-home dad in Florence, Alabama. The story has been edited for length and clarity.
My wife, Shannon, and I grew up together in a conservative Christian community in Utah. When we got married, we agreed that family and education were both important, so we earned English degrees and had five children.
We moved from Utah to Oregon in 2002 as wide-eyed creatives with a penchant for performing. I dreamed of having a home recording studio where I could write and produce music and videos.
We both worked, taking turns looking after the children.
We just wanted someone to be home
We discussed our belief in having someone at home with the kids before we got married. I told him that I was not proud of the idea that I should be the breadwinner because I am the husband.
We alternated as a part-time substitute teacher and I worked various other jobs as well. When we realized the gig economy wasn’t working out, one of us had to find a full-time job.
Shannon got a job before I did at the Kroger Corporation in 2012. She excelled and started climbing the corporate ladder.
We realized that even if I got a job right then, I wouldn’t be making the money she makes, so I stepped into the role of stay-at-home dad. I continued to do odd jobs here and there: roofing, construction, painting and recording musicians in my home studio.
Our natural roles were the opposite of the norm
Shannon was better at some of the “father duties” and I was more of a natural nurturer, “mother” type of person. I felt like I should stay home with the kids.
Shannon has told me that I’m very good at calming storms, seeing the big picture, and keeping things on track. I love being around our kids and being there when they need something.
Our youngest struggled with a form of dyslexia in elementary school. I don’t think her teacher’s teaching style worked for her, so I pulled her out and homeschooled her.
I have faced a lot of criticism
“Eli is not pulling his weight.” “A woman’s place is in the home.” These are some of the comments we have heard within our community, mostly from conservative Christians. My parents even had concerns and questioned our decision for me to be a stay-at-home dad.
These expectations are so ingrained in our psyche that they still pop up in frustrating moments.
Sometimes, Shannon tells me, “You’re the man. You have to be out working and I have to be the one at home.” She is a heart-on-her-sleeve kind of person, a poet and an actress. Recently, she basically wrote a hate poem about me, and it was amazing. I laughed a lot.
She also wrote and performed a one-woman play where I was the villain. The confession was that I was never the man she thought she would one day be.
A big part of our marriage has been struggling with that dynamic
Strangers, friends, and family come up to me after Shannon’s shows and ask, “Are you guys okay?”
I tell them I encouraged her to do it, and no one laughs harder than me when she talks trash about me. This kind of openness, honesty and communication will sometimes hurt, but I look for the positive, laugh about it and move on.
Our marriage has rough patches, but it’s very healthy because we always compromise. We have not yet reached a hill worth dying for.
Since then we have moved again
We moved to Alabama in March 2021 when Shannon found a role at a local manufacturing firm with a raise. She also started her own business, Remembrara.com, which uses virtual records to make it easy for families separated by distance to share memories.
Our two youngest children are now in high school and two others still live with us. The other day, my teenage daughter and her friend called me into the room to play Snapchat with them.
They want me to be a part of their lives, to communicate with them and their friends. Having that relationship with them is everything to me.
A while back, I had a great moment with my dad when he saw me doing some conflict resolution with my kids. He said: “You are a better father than I am.” Hearing him say it out loud, I believed that he saw something there and knows that this is where I must be.
As our children grow, they are not rejecting us
Shannon and I rejected a lot of what our parents taught us, and maybe this is a situation where we are better for it.
Since we have been open-minded, seeing the world through their eyes and not fitting them into our world, our children are not rejecting us or trying to run away.
Now that the kids are grown, I spend more time in my recording studio and my passion for photography. I have also started managing social media for a local business. I still like to be home when the kids come home from school.